How do I become perfect?

Let me tell you a story about a girl who hates seeing herself in the mirror.

What I saw In the Mirror

I wasn’t always a fat kid. It was just when I turned second grade that I started getting fat. I was getting bigger and bigger until I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I looked at the mirror and at a young age I felt like there was always something wrong with my face and with how I look.

I would often play with Barbie dolls and would just be in an imaginary world where I am as beautiful as Barbie. But Barbie doesn’t have a huge mole on her face and she was skinny and she has a Ken. I will never look like Barbie so I thought I’d just collect them and imagine myself being them.

I was also very fond of television. Almost all lead actresses were skinny girls. Whenever there was a fat girl, she gets told that she was a pig or that her parents left her all alone in the kitchen that’s why she got so fat. And in the end, she’ll transform into a gorgeus skinny woman.

If you grew up in the Philippines, you’d just be surprised by how so many people just see you  for the way you look. My extended relatives often tell me that my nose was flat or I was fat. Nobody told me that I was beautiful. I never felt beautiful. I never felt enough. The media, my aunts and uncles, and almost everyone around me has this standard of a beautiful girl and if you don’t fit in that standard, you’re ugly or ordinary.

I did not continue to hone my passion in dancing because I thought nobody can lift me because I was so heavy. Clothes don’t look good on me. No one would want to be my partner. I was ugly. Every time I look at the mirror I call the girl in the reflection: fat, ugly, fat, ugly. I hated pictures because I didn’t like what I saw. I stopped smiling at any camera because I thought even if I smile, it won’t change a thing, I would still be fat and ugly.

These insecurities crippled me in terms of my self-confidence. I was looking for acceptance and validation. I was waiting for someone to tell me that I am beautiful. But that day didn’t come until I was 21 years old. So, for 21 years, I saw myself as an ugly person.

How I dealt with it

Since I couldn’t be noticed for the way I look, I tried anything that would make people notice me. It was in second grade when my teachers started to notice that I was a smart kid. My English teacher would let us read short stories and then she had a graded recitation after. The questions were basic, what, where, when, I can easily answer those. But for the why questions, no one in the class could think or articulate the answer. But, I can! So I bravely raised my hand and answered her why question in straight English. My teacher saw something in me that day. After that, I was motivated to go to school. My second grade teacher saw my potential. She included me in the “damath” practice. She made me practice declamation pieces. It was just a blast. She would hug me and I think I was her favorite student that time. Finally, there’s a place that accepts me, school. As long as I do great, people would love me. This included my parents and my teachers.

School became an escape, a way to cover the imperfections. I finally was shining because I was good at something. I excelled to be noticed and loved.

Excellence and Perfection

Growing up as an achiever is like a double-edged sword. Yes, I get the attention. But, little did everyone know that I was being hard on myself. I started seeing being ‘the best’ as my identity. If I join a math competition and I don’t win, I’d be so depressed. I just wanted to win, I wanted to be the best. I kept on comparing myself with my classmates. It was hard for me to accept that no matter how much I work hard, there will be people who will be better than me in all aspects. Sometimes I don’t sleep just to prepare for an exam, but still another person would beat my score and I’d still be disappointed with myself.

To put it bluntly, I mistook excellence for perfection. It thought they were the same thing. For every result that I get, there’s no joy when I realize that I wasn’t perfect. I remember being obsessed with my study table. It has to be clean or I won’t study. Everything should be perfect or else things would turn out bad. I was beating myself up so bad. I got obsessed with being perfect to the point of depression. I would hide in my apartment for a couple of days just because I failed an exam in chemistry. I got in the top university in the Philippines so I thought I could be the best there too.

All that mentality was wrong. It took a lot of failures and disappointments for me to realize that I cannot ever be perfect. As long as I was doing my best, that was enough. Trying to be perfect stole the joy in learning. I really was hard on myself all this time. Instead of trying to be the best, I focused on having the best time in university, being happy.

Acceptance

I cannot be perfect. I will never be a beautiful girl based on media standards. It’s always the skinny girl with perfect skin and pointed nose who gets to be called beautiful. That’s not me and that will never be me. I am Kate, a 5’2″, pear-shaped woman, with a flat nose, a wide forehead, and a mole on the right side of her nose. My hips are wider than most girls and I weigh more than the girls you see in magazines and TV.

But, I began to love how I look. I would often take selfies and would even get to be in photo shoots of my organization and direct their poses. Take it from the girl who used to hate the camera. I became quite good in enhancing other women’s beauty by giving them a makeover. I love fashion and clothes and reflecting my personality through what I’m wearing. I eat good food and I feel so healthy even if I am a plus-size girl.

I graduated in my dream University and I’m now living abroad and exploring the world. I accepted who I am. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see a fat girl, but, there’s this new woman inside me that tells that old Kate to stop. Destructive thoughts are now being blocked by the new me.

This is for You

This is the meaning of perfection in a dictionary.

• Perfection is the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.
• Perfection is something that cannot be improved.

Oops. Do you want that? Do you want to be a person that doesn’t improve?

Now that I’ve shared my perfection obsession story, I want you to do these things whenever you feel like you have the dire need to be perfect or when you’re disappointed with yourself.

1. Look for role models.

Even if the media is portraying all these beautiful women (skinny, tall, and has a perfect skin) should be how we look like, let me tell you something: how you look is totally fine.

Stop trying to look like a  Kendall Jenner or Gigi Hadid. Start trying to be the true you. The perfectly imperfect amazing heck of a woman you. For me, I look up at admirable women such as Oprah Winfrey and Maya Angelou. I am more concerned with what women do than how they look like. I think beauty without depth is useless. Look up to women who are doing something great in this world.

2. Be a role model.

Inspire other girls to accept who they are. As John Legend says, “Love your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections.”  Spread the body acceptance movement and tell other people that it’s okay, to make mistakes, to lose, and to fail. Be that person who embraces all your imperfections and tell the world, hey it’s me. If you don’t like how I look or who I am then screw you. You are here to inspire, to spread positivity and acceptance. You are not meant to criticize, you are meant to be the cheer leader of others who are fighting their own battles.

3. You are enough.

Whatever you are right now, that is enough. Wherever you are in your career, right at this moment, that is enough. Take baby steps but please, do the world a favor, stop being hard on yourself. Celebrate your victories. Cry for a while when you lose and then get back up. Whatever you did, that was enough. You are enough.

4. Stop expecting perfection.

When you finally accept how flawed you are and be okay with it, you will also be okay with other people’s imperfections. You will see them for who they are and not for who you expect them to be. You will also learn to love them.

5. You are not meant to be perfect. You are meant to be whole – Jane Fonda

You are meant to be a whole person. How do you do that? By accepting what is, and not focusing on what it’s supposed to be.

Accepting imperfection takes a lot of practice. But, when you master it, oh what a breath of fresh air comes. It’s like a big rock is lifted off your chest. It’s like having a new pair of eyeglasses, finally seeing the world the way it is and being okay with it. I hope you’re happy with who you are, but if you’re not, continue working on it. Remember that each one of us is a work in progress.

To the person reading this, to me, you are enough. You may not be perfect, but your imperfections make this world more interesting. Thank you for being you.

We don’t need much to be happy

There are three people who make me smile every day when I see them. They are not my friends, and I don’t actually know them. I bump into them at work, at home, and in market, but they don’t have a clue of how valuable their presence is. They just taught me a lot and they don’t know anything about it.

Our School Cleaner

Every day, I would see our school cleaner doing her job. She’s mopping floors and scrubbing here and there. We would greet each other when she comes to our office and when I see her I just see a woman who’s very happy in her job. She would have this big smile every day. Sometimes I wonder how she can smile when her task of making everything clean, for me, is so hard. But every single day, she would say good morning and make the surroundings sparkly. She cleans well. The previous cleaner in our building was a sad lady. But our current cleaner? She is a wonderful person to see very day. She does her job well, and she is happy.

The Egg Vendor

On Mondays, I pass by a woman selling different kinds of eggs. She can speak a little bit of English and whenever I buy eggs from her, she smiles in joy. One time, my money was one thousand and she doesn’t have change for it so she ran somewhere to get the change. In my previous experiences, vendors would often get angry when you give them a large cash and they don’t have change. But with this lady, she was even smiling as she was running to look for change. Every week, I would buy from her just because her happiness is viral. She even gives me one extra egg because I’m a loyal customer. She radiates.

Our Condo’s Security Guard

We have three security guards in rotation in our place. Our favorite guard is the one who always smiles and opens the door when we’re taking a long time to get the key card. He is happy every time we see him. My roommates and I would sometimes give him food because he is just such a nice person. I never see him sleep while on duty and I don’t know there’s just something about him that’s extra shiny.

So what’s the lesson I’ve learned from them?

We don’t need much to be happy.

Happiness is a choice. As long as we do everything with love, we can be happy. I used to think that I’ll be happy if I am rich, if I have nice clothes and a lot of money. Well, if you have a lot of material stuff, it will definitely make you more comfortable in this world. But comfort is not always associated with happiness. You may have everything you want, but still be miserable.

I saw in those three wonderful people that happiness is a decision. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that you should be complacent and be okay with less. What I’m trying to say is, yes, you should work for what you want, but you can be happy along the way. If we’re too serious and too stressed just so we can make tons of money, it will backfire on us. It can be through a disease or through personal relationships being sacrificed.

We only get one shot in life. After this life, there’s none. So why do we have to spend it being unhappy, selfish, and miserable? If there’s one thing we should focus on, I think it should be figuring out how to make our self and the people around us more happy. How do we fight misery, sadness, and even violence? We can do this by creating a happy space. The first step is internal happiness. Start within and radiate. Try it, and you’ll see.

What keeps me going

I’d never forget that day when I decided what I want to become. I was attending a leadership camp that has changed how I envisioned my future self. I assisted a doctor during a medical mission. It was actually a free circumcision for the kids living in that barrio. I was so amazed by how the doctors neatly stitch the little boy and how happy they were of what they’re doing.

Before, my dream was to be an accountant and be a bad ass lawyer. That was what everybody expected of me. I’ll be a lawyer and be rich. If it were for my father, he would’ve wanted me to do that. But at that moment, I threw all of the ‘supposed’ dream that I had. I knew, I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to provide service like this to kids. I wanted to help people heal.

I was always fascinated with science. Biology was my thing. Science just makes me wanna go to school to listen to what my science teachers are gonna say. I would read anatomy books as a kid and when my dad brings home unused books from his office, I saw a Biology book with two penguins printed on the cover. I would read and read and read and be so happy with what I’m seeing. Finally, it made sense.

My childhood hobbies such as reading very advanced books for my age and being awed by the anatomy of any living thing was for a reason. It was because I know, I was going to study to become a doctor.

The path to this dream is not easy at all. I thought that if I want something bad enough, the world would conspire to make my dream come true. During premed, I was so sure that after I graduate, I will be going to medical school. However my family’s finances hit rock bottom, up to the point that I have to work outside the country to help my younger sister finish her degree. Suddenly, it’s been two years, and I haven’t gone to medical school yet. I had to face being in a foreign land, and be so frugal so that I can send money back home. It is a tough way to live indeed. But you know what? I don’t care. Time will pass anyway. I know that someday, I’ll be in medical school, training to be a doctor. Someday I’ll be able to do what I’m most passionate about.

We all have different circumstances. I have asked the universe why life has to be tough for me. But the universe doesn’t answer back. The sooner you accept that life is unfair, and some people are just born luckier than others, and that it’s totally not your fault, the better it gets. I accepted that. But that doesn’t mean that I’m okay with being in this state forever. I am working as much as I can with all my might, no matter how long it takes. I want a better life for my family and my future family. My future kids should not experience this. They will change the world and not think about all the basic necessities like food and money in the bank. Their life will be better. That’s my promise that keeps me going.

 

A Prose for the Hurting

Sometimes you wake up less grateful than you should be

Seeing more of the disappointments that this life has struck you

Sometimes you get tired of being who you are

Strength is inconsistent though you try you still fall down

You may shed a tear or two or utter curse words

You may go back to your cave and shut everybody out

But please let yourself be because sometimes this is what you need

To lock yourself in your world and not give a damn

Sweet girl embrace yourself and be okay with what you’re feeling

You are not bad, it’s okay, being weak is part of living

Pain urges to be felt and feel it you must

Crying makes you human, always remember that

Sleep dear child and let it wear off

There’s another day, another chance, a promise for pain to fade out

I know that you’re tired of living like this

But hey, there’s the sun, the moon, and stars how much more does it take?

The beauty of this world is enough to face the day

Cheer up, maybe stars will align someday

And when that moment comes you will smile and say

Thank God I stood up, thank God I lived up to this day.

10 things to do when you’re freaking out

There are days when we feel like we’re on cloud 9. We approach the day headstrong and just believe that anything is possible. Those are what we call the oh-so-good days, the awesome, conquer the universe days. Well, just imagine if everything goes the way it should be, the world will indeed be our oyster. But, let’s talk real.

That is a dream. Those days definitely happen, but, not all the time. It comes to a point sometimes that you feel like your world is crumbling, as if wherever you go, there’s mess. You feel so out of control. You freak out. What do you do then?

My dear, anxiety is normal. Freaking out for things that’s out of your control can cause you a meltdown. However, no need to worry because everyone has it, even that girl with thousands of likes on social media. Nobody’s life is perfect. Some people can handle it better, some just shove it in, while others collapse under too much pressure.

For me, these are the techniques that work when shit happens

1. BREATHE

Focus on your breathing first. Inhale and exhale slowly. You’re alright, you’re still breathing. That’s what matters first, you are still breathing.

2. RELAX YOUR BODY.

Is your teeth clenched? Relax it. Pay attention to your facial muscles, are they tense? Relax them. Notice your shoulders and relax. To have a clear head, our body needs to be in a relaxed state. Yes, things  are chaotic, but, calming yourself first will help your brain think logically.

3. SAY THESE WORDS: EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE OKAY.

This may sound too cliché for you but eventually, there will be a way for any situation to work out. Even if you cannot see that now, believing that it will be okay will give you the sanity that you need to handle any situation. Whenever you start thinking that you’re gonna be doomed, push that thought away and replace it with one sentence: “Everything’s going to be okay.” Our actions change when we reprogram how we think. You have to believe that it’ll work out if you really want it to work out.

4. PLAN

Now that you have a calm mind and body, and a proper mindset, you can now start thinking of the solution. You can list the problem on a paper, and just brainstorm the possible solutions you can come up with. After a while, evaluate which solution is the best.

5. EXECUTE

Do the necessary actions for the solution to be executed. My favorite blogger gives this perfect advice for her followers  who ask her how to handle anxiety, (http://ladykaymd.tumblr.com/ ) “Action always fights anxiety.”

6. IF IT IS TOTALLY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL, LET GO.

There are battles that we fight and battles that we choose not to. It takes maturity and a lot of wisdom to choose the best thing to do in a situation. Sometimes, no matter how much we want things to end up well, it’s just out of our power. We all have limitations. If you really cannot do anything, or the situation will just get worse if you meddle, have the courage to accept the circumstance, no matter how crappy it is, and let go.  Acceptance is not cowardice. It is a brave act of trust.

7. FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS

Despite people saying, “Bottle your feelings and move on,” just feel what you are feeling. If crying makes you more okay, then cry. If you are sad, be sad. Honor what you feel. People who hide everything will certainly crack at some point. But, if you acknowledge your emotions, it will help. Numbing will take the anxiety for a while but nothing beats being true to yourself.

8. EXERCISE

I know, this is the last thing that you want to do. However, this is scientifically proven. When you’re having a bad day, all those frustrations are replaced by the  feeling of triumph when you complete a workout. Physically releasing negative vibes helps. If you want to help yourself, get out of that bed and MOVE.

9. DRINK A HOT BEVERAGE (or your favorite beverage)

This works so much for me. When I start overthinking and negative thoughts ramble in my brain, lemon or lime infused water does the trick. Maybe it’s the quiet time of drinking that helps.  Sometimes, when my friend is upset or when I am anxious or mad about something, drinking milk tea and talking just calms us.

10. CALL A FRIEND

Maybe you’ve heard somewhere that your biggest enemy is that voice inside your head. If you start noticing that the voice is not helping because it’s saying too much negative stuff, go and call your closest friend. It’s amazing how a different perspective can change the way that we approach a situation, plus, girlfriends are the best.

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You are human. You are not supposed to be perfect. There will be bad days but there are good days too. Being flawed, failing, and making mistakes is part of your journey. Feeling anxious is okay, but, you don’t have to feed your anxiety. You have to feel it, and use those nerves for something good. Channel it somewhere. It can be through a hobby, or whatever creative activity that you love.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” – Soren Kierkegaard

The Lucky Headband

It was my 15th birthday. I was in third year high school. Everything was happening the way it’s not supposed to be. I hit my lowest low in class ranking, from being rank 2 to rank 16. I was devastated

But…

My grandfather gave me a gift on my 15th birthday. It was a headband with a circle design and a smiley printed on it. It was a different and sort of funny headband. It was a happy headband.

That time, headbands were on trend. Though, most of my classmates would wear a headband with a ribbon on it. Sparkly headbands were cool that time. Still, I wore my happy headband with a weird and funny design with much pride.

Fast forward I was in fourth year high school. I still got my happy headband. Its meaning to me changed since then. I was a student leader slash academic person (ew!) in high school, I would often compete in writing contests, science and math quiz bee, and whatever quiz bees were there. One time, I decided to wear my happy headband  as a fashion statement. For me,  it looks so good with my uniform, and I hate it when my hair falls off when I am on concentration mode in contests.

When I decided to wear the happy headband, it was at a moment when I was losing my confidence in myself because it seemed like everything was falling apart, my sister got sick, my parents separated, and so I was falling off the winning wagon. In short, I often lost and got depressed.

So, I started wearing the happy headband. And, for some reason that I didn’t understand, I was on a winning streak again. Every time I wore it, I’d win. So I established a superstitious belief that if I wear my happy headband on days that I will be needing a lot of luck, I’ll win.

My happy headband made me feel like myself again. I was passionate with everything and I was, happy again. I took care of that headband.

But one day, I accidentally broke it.

I was frantic. What on earth will I do? Without it, I’m doomed. I won’t win. For the next competition, I still wore my broken, happy headband, but this time, I lost. I blamed myself for not taking care of my lucky charm. Why was I so stupid? The luck was gone, and I will lose forever.

At that time, studying was my life and competing made me forget about all the problems at home. I basked in the feeling of winning. At least, I have this one area in my life that doesn’t suck. When I lost, it felt as if I won’t be happy again. Maybe, that was it. Maybe I had my happy moments and that was it for me.

I used to believe in luck.

If I put coins in my shoe on a very important day, I know that amazing things will happen. If I wear my lucky blouse, it’s gonna be a good day. If I wear black, I’ll be gloomy. If I wear my happy headband, I’ll be happy and I’ll win.

As I grew up, I didn’t have my happy headband anymore. I stopped believing that certain objects can give me the luck that I need. I stopped believing that my happiness, or my dreams coming true would rely on any external object or the circumstances I’m in. I stopped escaping the bad days, instead, I faced them. I stopped getting angry at my alarm clock for ringing at 5 AM and forcing me to go to work. I stopped blaming God, or other people for the misfortune I’m experiencing. I stopped asking God, why me?

I used to run. I thought that everything was a competition, that money will solve all problems, and that success relies on how famous, or rich you are.

I used to run. When situations get out of control, I run away. I would escape, and run as far as I can. I thought that if I run, the monsters would disappear.

But I was wrong. Life taught me that I don’t have to run away. I don’t need a happy headband to make me feel good and conquer the world. All I needed was to be my own best friend. I needed to be my own cheerleader so that I can be brave when I start being afraid. I needed to be my own healthy critic, to make me realize, when I am being wrong. I needed to learn how to cry on my own shoulder when everything seemed too much. To see other people in the best light, to learn to forgive, to learn to be okay. To know when enough is enough and not take bullshit from other people. To be free. To be loving. To be inspired. And of course, to be there for other people.

No more lucky headband, just me, my head, and a big heart.

That was all I needed after all.

 

What are you here for?

What are we here for? This is a question that many of us want to answer. Some people spend their whole lives finding the reason behind their existence. How do we know what our purpose is and how do we live in line with it?

The unraveling of our life’s purpose starts at the moment we were born. Of course, we don’t have an idea about the things happening around us. We were just little humans crying and being fed. But, our birth marks the beginning of a path that is unknown, yet, meaningful. Yes, each of us has a meaningful purpose. To our parents, we are a part of theirs, and for us, the next events would reveal what we’re here for.

Experience

When we begin to be conscious of our surroundings we gather those little experiences. The things we are exposed to would shape our minds as to what we want to become. If you have so many colors in your room, it could be your first exposure to art, if you grew up in a family of musicians, then, there’s a strong possibility that music might be your way to fulfill that specific purpose. Experience leads us to what we become.

Heart

They say that you should always follow your heart. There are many choices that we are faced with. What is your heart saying? If something is not right, your heart has a way of telling. Well, we should not forget to use our logical thinking, aka, the “brain,” but, happiness doesn’t come from what your head tells you. At least, that’s what experience has taught me. If you choose your brain all the time, it can leave you numb and lonely. To be successful, you need to use a lot of brain but, you have to choose which one you want to prioritize, is it your head or your heart? It’s all up to you. Usually, what your heart says, is where your purpose is aligned to.

Passion

Along with what the heart whispers, passion, is that whisper. It is the thing that your heart is telling you to do. So you love sports so much, then that is your passion.

How do you know what your passion is? It’s when you can’t imagine living your whole life not doing it. It could be music, art, sports, academe, philanthropy, business, or it could even be the weirdest or most random thing in the world. The point here is, live your passion because you only have one life. Passion is the key to knowing your purpose. In one of Oprah’s talks, she tells this story about having the best facial treatment ever. Then she asked the lady giving her the facial, why she’s so good at what she does. Then the lady answered, because picking pimples, and blackheads is her passion. Whatever it is, no matter how big or small, if that is your passion then do it.

Everything Works Out

Experience, heart, and passion, are three key ingredients in knowing and living your life’s purpose. However, a lot of mind setting  is needed. There must be an attitude of, “everything works out.” Life has a habit of throwing random stuff at you, sometimes they’re  wonderful, shiny, and happy stuff. But, sometimes, they are really shitty stuff, to the point that you think you’re the unluckiest human being on this universe. I think it takes a lot of experience to realize and understand that no matter how much and how often bad stuff happens, there are still good and happy moments to come. And that, we should live for the hope of basking in the good stuff.

So what are you supposed to do when misfortunes happen coupled with pain, hopelessness, and a lot of hurt? Feel it. Drown yourself with all the pain you can feel. That’s the first thing you do. If you’re just gonna brush it off, believe me, it will come back haunting you. So please feel the pain. Don’t numb it. Allow yourself to cry and when you’ve poured out all the emotions that’s the time you rise, and move on. Then, start believing again.

That painful journey is part of your purpose. Well, most of the time we don’t understand why those things happen. But should we really know why? Does the world owe us anything? No. At the end of the day, whether you move on or not is all up to you. If you think you were born to share misery to the world, it’s your choice. However, if you will look at the other side, maybe your purpose after all is to be a living example of someone who’s been through a lot, yet smiles and is always hopeful. Maybe you were supposed to be the inspiration of that sick little girl, or that abused child, or the student with a lot of failing grades. Everything works out. Do you want to be a dark existence or a ray of hope?

Patience and Vision

There are two virtues that must be engraved on us if we really want to live a meaningful life. These are patience and vision. We all want to live an amazing life. Though, nobody warned us that it takes a heck of a lot to get anywhere. Sometimes, anxiety creeps in because it seems like there’s no progress at all even if we are working so hard to reach a goal. Getting to the destination needs loads of patience. Maybe, it’s just not your time yet. If we force certain situations to happen most of the time we do end up sabotaging our hard work. I think we must always work towards our goals but we must be careful not to get too obsessed about our expected results. Work hard, be patient, and trust that one day it will all work out. That vision you’ve been wanting to see will appear little by little. You just have to be patient and never lose sight of your goal. Don’t look at what the rest of the world is doing. Just focus on yours. You’ll feel more peace and there’s an element of surprise because you just worked, trusted, and let the magic happen.

Having Fun

Towards the journey to our purpose, we have a tendency to work too hard and forget to be happy. Sometimes we’re too caught up with our goals that we forget to live and have fun. It’s a Friday night, go watch a movie or drink with your friends. Have a blast because you deserve it. Never deprive yourself with the little pleasures. If you have fitness goals, then give yourself a break and have a cheat meal. Go on an adventure. Travel, climb mountains, go to the beach, or get a massage. You deserve it. All of us deserves it.

 

I think we all crave knowing what we’re here for. Maybe you’re already fulfilling it, but you’re just not aware of it.  We just have to make sure that we’re doing what we love. And I hope that what you’re doing is meaningful and is also helping other people fulfill or find their purpose. We have to live not just for ourselves but also for other people. Wouldn’t the world be a nicer place if we’re all just trying to help one another? Maybe they’ll call you too idealistic for thinking that way. But, you do you. Do something because that’s what your heart is telling you.

A fool

Everything has been unstable as long as i can remember. Maybe that’s the reason why I want to be a doctor, to have a stable job, a stable home, and everything stable because I never had that. I never felt like tomorrow will not be a struggle.

I was born in a problematic, and kinda traumatic family. My negativity goes deep. My  outlook in life has been a net result of instability. It’s hard to focus. It’s even harder to reach a goal when problems crop up like spores of a fungi.

To be realistic, happiness seems so overrated. It’s a tiny oasis in the midst of this never ending desert. But still, humans are fools. We believe in the ‘happy’. We’re supposed to show everyone how happy we are to the point that some even love bragging how successful they are.

But yes, I am also a fool. I am one of those people who will encourage others, be a listening ear, and a shoulder to lean on. I always give positive advice to my friends. After all, that’s the lot that I can do. I also make them believe in a happier world even though I myself have a hard time convincing this twisted brain of mine.

Yes, its hypocrite-ish. I am a hypocrite  if we’ll base a person’s character in words and actions. Sometimes i mean what i say. Sometimes I don’t.

Yes, I’m a walking contradiction. My views can change in a blink of an eye. It’s not because i’m a push over. It’s because I’m too open-minded.

No, I’m not a bad person. Being vulnerable does not make me a shitty human being. It makes me sane, a normal person.

So how do we live? How do we get through?

We remain fools. Although we know deep inside how lonely this world is and how injustice stares right at our face, we choose to believe that somehow, that tiny bit of good is still there. At least for me, that’s what works.

Unstable situations may make it hard for us to focus, but we have to just think of the next tiny step. Even if it’s just washing your face, fixing your bed, or getting up, it adds up. It could probably lead to a net result of happy.

Of fallen dreams

Tunnel vision.
Clear goal.

I had all of that. I thought that if I want something bad enough, even if the world screams impossible, that goal would still materialize.

Was I wrong? Apparently.

As soon as I left my job I had the time to think about where I am in my life. Am I the person that I thought I was going to be at 22?

Poof. I’m not.

If I were asked where I am, I’d say, I’m in a path that I have never imagined for myself. The life I’m living is not the life I’ve dreamed. But still, I find solace, I find peace. Maybe this is what they call ‘happiness’. I chose it.

Life has thrown rocks on me. And, I just realized that, its just the way it is. No matter how much I question God, the universe, or any deity, nothing will change. These are the circumstances that I was born with, and I got a choice. Am I gonna fight? Or am I gonna die?

I choose to fight. I will always do.

This week, I talked to a friend and she reminded me of a couple of things that I forgot. I told her everything, about my struggles and plans. Suddenly she told me, “if you will go back and face the same problems you’ve had, the reasons why you left in the first place, you might just regret that you didn’t give it one more shot’.

And then she told me, “You are K, you are the smart, talented, ambitious, girl that I met. You are inspiring a lot of people, including me. So please don’t give up. Maybe life is unfair to us, but aren’t we lucky enough because we were born achievers? At least in our case, our brain is capable of thinking about ways to solve our family problems. We have a shot.”

With those things she said, I was awakened. I realized that I was too preoccupied with my problems that I forgot to see the big picture.

When we start to look so hard in our circumstances we forget about the important things. Worse, we forget who we are.

I have come to accept everything. I have decided to relinquish control. I choose happiness. I choose to revel in uncertainty.