My Sun

Whenever I remember the 17th of May,
The scar stings, a stare of loneliness surfaces,
I’m taken back to that unthinkable day.
A life without you never crossed my mind,
How I managed to live,
An answer I can never find.

It took every ounce of energy my cells could generate,
To breathe and live in a nightmare, in a body that I didn’t wish to live in.
I couldn’t just erase you, I couldn’t unfeel the pain.
That would mean denying all the love you unselfishly gave,
I woke up in tears, I denied reality,
I numbed, I was so scared.

You were the pillar of my identity, my safety blanket, my confidence.
My number one fan and believer.
But why did my sun set so quickly, why didn’t God make him stay?
I couldn’t live. I couldn’t breathe.
A world without you has never occured in my mind.
Where are you now, my sun? I badly want to feel your warmth, one last time.

I want you to tell me that everything is going to be okay.
That this will pass, that I can still be happy,
Even if you are not there, even just to annoy me for one day.
I miss you still, I love you so,
I will try to live,
Even though everyday, my climb is still uphill.

With every sunrise, it became a little bit easier.
I kept on breathing, I asked myself what would you say?
What would my hero tell me?
What would he want me to do?
So I continued to walk with small steps, sometimes in strides,
Whatever I manage, that’s okay.

It has been a year, since that sunset,
It still haunts me like a terrifying dream,
But I thrived even in the darkest times,
Sometimes I hid, sometimes I faced the sadness.
It’s okay.We can face it.
We will be alright in time.

I learned that I’m not alone,
I can feel your heart beat right next to mine.
You are still whispering that, “You can do it.”
Whenever I want to break down, an invisible force pushes me,
To take one more step, to be bold and brave,
And watch the sun rise.

We were riding on your red motorcycle,
We were talking about our dreams and your stories about life.
I saw the sun. I saw you, my sun.
Forever etched in my heart.
Yours was the sunset that brought me to my knees,
But you are and always will be, my sunrise.

Love is

Love is your sister cooking breakfast for you everyday.

Love is your dad checking up on you if you’re okay.

Love is your friend or lover asking you, “How was your day?”

Love is that stranger you saw last night giving a few pennies to the quiet kid near the subway.

Love is the sun shining everyday.

Love is when someone really listens to what you have to say.

Love is saying no even when the other person gets hurt.

Love is simple. Love is.

Love is your friend going with you to the scary doctor’s appointment.

Love is when you’re laughing with your med school friends who are all thinking, “What the fuck are we doing now?”

Love is your parents giving you your weekly allowance.

Love is when your family helps you out.

Love is in that stranger who gave you that scholarship.

Love is in the silence in between long distance friendships, we just know that it’s there.

Love is when your girlfriends call you because of that douche bag.

Love is when someone asks you, “Are you alright? I’m here you can talk to me. I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”

Love is when someone doesn’t want you to leave.

Love is when someone lets you go because he or she knows that it is best.

Love is when when someone shares their french fries.

Love is when someone gets water for you when you eat out.

Love is in that friend who keeps on cracking jokes.

Love is when your dog jumps in happiness when she sees you.

Love is being okay with the simple and mundane.

Love is in the highs and lows, the blanks and in-between.

Love is in the passion you have for your greatest dream.

Love is when someone waits for you, whatever the reason is.

Love is when someone looks for you, when you’ve suddenly disconnected.

Love is in that person who says: You can do it.

Love is there even when a person dies.

Love is manifested in so many things.

It can be a smile, a hug, or an ocean of tears.

Love that is given is never gone.

Love circumvents, it floats, it’s like air.

You breathe it in and you let it out.

To the Men in My Life

You are the first man who taught me about love.

What I know about this four letter word and how it should look like is because of you

You are far from perfect, there were times that I hated you

But for giving me life, for protecting and guiding me, Papa, the worth that I see in myself I owe it to you.

—

You are an authoritative figure.

I remember being scared when you get mad.

But time passed and now I always look forward to our grown-up conversations.

For giving me golden advice and the eloquence to speak my thoughts,

Thank you Lolo, a part of my wisdom, I owe it to you.

—

You guys showed me that not all men are pigs.

You amazed me with how smart and talented you are.

You were my source of laughter, drinking and study buddies.

You were a big part of who I’ve become.

Oh how I miss our laughs and intellectual banters,

College bros, thank you for showing me what fun is, my smiles in my teenage years, I owe it to you.

—

To the first guy I fell in love with, oh boy, I can’t even say

You made me laugh until I snort, you made me cry until I thought I would never see the beginning of another day.

Heartbreak is too painful but you made me realize,

I am worthy of love and I deserved better,

So much better than how you treated me.

My first tears out of love, I owe it to you.

—

To the last guy I loved, it sucks that it didn’t work out.

You got me and I got you, it was a magic that  is rarely found.

Too afraid or too young? I don’t know which one it is.

As the cliche goes, “I’m happy for you, even if it’s not with me.”

You’re my “Maybe one day” or maybe you’re a lesson learned, but it’s okay.

My clarity for the next person I’ll love, I owe it to you.

—

To my two guy best friends who I’m in med school with,

Who saves me when I drown,

Who laughs and drinks with me and hugs me when I weep,

You both are puzzling and funny, too smart sometimes  to your own demise.

I hope as we journey med school, our friendship goes strong,

For your company, I’m grateful,

My smiles and comfort in med school, I owe it to you.

—

Sometimes we spend so much time hating on the wrong ones,

We often forget that we have good hearts around us.

And so to the person reading this, think of the good men out there.

Focus on them, love them, and be with them.

 

 

Freedom

Wind beneath my hair

Sunlight on my skin

Coffee on the bench

Grass under my feet

I never felt this peace

Or so I thought I’d never feel it again.

 

You are my sanctuary

My oasis in the desert

The calm in my storm

The warmth of my favorite blanket

The softness of my pillow.

 

The bittersweet dark chocolate

The wine I sip before lying in bed.

My home and my clutter,

I guess you are my light, amidst the cold and dark,

Your love doesn’t make me shiver

 

My heart is full, with you I rest

I will always come back to you, my love, my home, my ethereal happiness.

A Prose for the Hurting

Sometimes you wake up less grateful than you should be

Seeing more of the disappointments that this life has struck you

Sometimes you get tired of being who you are

Strength is inconsistent though you try you still fall down

You may shed a tear or two or utter curse words

You may go back to your cave and shut everybody out

But please let yourself be because sometimes this is what you need

To lock yourself in your world and not give a damn

Sweet girl embrace yourself and be okay with what you’re feeling

You are not bad, it’s okay, being weak is part of living

Pain urges to be felt and feel it you must

Crying makes you human, always remember that

Sleep dear child and let it wear off

There’s another day, another chance, a promise for pain to fade out

I know that you’re tired of living like this

But hey, there’s the sun, the moon, and stars how much more does it take?

The beauty of this world is enough to face the day

Cheer up, maybe stars will align someday

And when that moment comes you will smile and say

Thank God I stood up, thank God I lived up to this day.