It’s okay to be human Part 2

I guess no matter how old we are, we are just children still, we are all wounded, we have our battle scars. I know nothing about anyone’s life and they know nothing about mine, about what I had to go through. So I am still, very much thankful.

I am thankful because despite everything, I am still here. I am still human, and being human makes me feel a range of emotions, sometimes, too turbulent for me to understand. Maybe we’re not meant to understand ourselves all the time, sometimes we just need compassion for ourselves. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that this life is not a race. It is meant to be lived, with all its twists and turns and unpredictable moments.

Everybody deserves success. I am not on a race. I refuse to participate in the carousel that keeps on turning. I am here, in my tiny apartment, cooped up with my partner who’s just the best person in the world. I have a job that I love, a loving family. In moments when I feel a low energy vibe, I can always process it through writing about what I’m feeling unapologetically and non-judgmentally.

Later I have another medical mission. It’s another chance to make a difference in another person’s life. And isn’t that fucking awesome. The grass is not always greener on the other side. The arrival fallacy is totally false. What matters is our heart, is it beating? Are you breathing? Are you exuding love?

Love matters. Love in everything that we do. There’s no such thing as big or small, there’s just this moment. Let’s stay here. Let’s be human.

How I Passed the PLE (Mortals Edition)

I have never considered myself as a genius but I know that whenever I want something, I work hard. I am relentless when it comes to my dreams and passion. I guess that is the innate quality that I do have which helped me pass the board exam. I promised myself that when I become a doctor, I will pay it forward so let me share how I prepared for the October 2023 Physician Licensure Examination.

My preparation started two years prior PLE. It was during clerkship. I know that as an average medical student, I had to work extra hard in order to pass PLE on my first try. My medical school has Problem Based Learnig Style, meaning we digest cases every week, hence we didn’t have the traditional structured format unlike other medical schools. There were so many pressures. Sponsors funded my education so I had to deliver. I was born in poverty and I don’t have parents to lean on. My siblings though, worked hard to help me out. I don’t have a choice. Failure was sadly not an option for me. That was my mindset.

1. During Clerkship: Topnotch Genesis

I enrolled to Topnotch Genesis as a clerk since I felt like I needed organization. I needed organized handouts since our curriculum was PBL (Problem Based Learning). Going back to mother books was time consuming for a clerk, so might as well enroll in a program that has the structure that I needed. It wasn’t easy though to attend the lectures while in face to face clerkship so to be honest I wasn’t able to attend 50% of the lectures. However, it was helpful for me because I was able to go through all the subjects. As early as clerkship, I had an idea of what the PLE will be like. Boy, did I realize how much I don’t know. I had to work harder than I ever did before. Genesis also helped me pass my written revalida so it was a relief because I didn’t have to do oral revalida anymore. Again, thank you Topnotch Genesis.

2. Clerkship and Internship: Study your cases

During junior and senior internship, I knew that this was my chance to understand diseases and know how to treat them. It was hard for a non allied health premed to absorb the initial shock of working in the hospital. Surgery was my first clinical rotation, so just imagine how much skills I was supposed to know already, but sadly had none. Third year was fully online so we didn’t have face to face workshops on doing procedures. I had to improvise and be resourceful, Youtube was my bestfriend. Fake it till you make it as they say. I enjoyed understanding cases, and since I am a toxicity magnet, I got to see amazing cases. Those cases were marked by my brain hence during boards, I can see the flashback of my patients. I remembered the meds we gave, the management, how a patient detoriorated, what meds made them recover. I know that clerkship and internship especially in public hospitals is extra hard, but it actually exposed me to tons of cases which I remembered vividly during the exam. When I have time, I go back to the mother books. This type of learning is very much effective.

3. Internship: Listened to Expert MD lectures on idle time

I decided to enroll to Expert MD during internship so that I could still have structure. I am a big fan of structure guys. Since the duty hours were less, there was more time to study compared to clerkship but it was still a challenge especially when you’re in heavy rotations. What I did was during errands, I listened to lectures. When I was doing laundry, cleaning, or anytime that I was waiting, I would l put my earphones on and play lectures on my specific rotation. As an auditory learner, I enjoyed this. I also liked hitting two birds with one stone. Again, I didn’t get to attend all lectures because I was rotating in a public hospital so I still bring work at home. Sometimes I would really get frustrated because I am too exhausted to study but I just put in my mind that as long as I am doing my best, that is already enough.

4. Review Season: Goodbye social media.

It was now or never. I had to suffer now and enjoy the rewards later or enjoy now then regret later. I chose to suffer haha. I lived like a hermit for three months. I deactivated everything, Facebook, Instagram, Tiktok, and 2 weeks before boards I was using my boyfriend’s phone when I need to log in. I basically threw away my social life. Grind grind grind. When I pass, I’ll have plenty of time for socialization and scrolling but now, is not the time. I went on full blown hyperfocus mode. Eliminating all these distractions saved me loads of time,

5. Listened to my body

Since I was on hyperfocus ultra sympathetic mode, I even found it hard to sleep and rest. I had so much anxiety when I couldn’t finish a handout, so I did all nighters. This unhealthy way of studying backfired to me. I got sick twice, and was even admitted two weeks before boards. I was at my worst physical and mental state. So I decided when I got admitted that being too hard on myself was not working. At that moment, I might not make it to PLE since I was sick. I decided to relax . I slept when I’m tired, I ate when I’m hungry, my boyfriend would drive and we’d have quick nature trips every 4 PM. I didn’t care about not catching up with my review center’s schedule. I just studied what I can with the energy that I had. My brain liked this way of learning, I could understand the concepts clearly and it worked like magic.

6. Have a strong support system

The cerebral part of taking the boards, that I took care of, but for the rest, I credit it to my partner. He was just there for me every step of the way. I feel like crying when I remember how much he has motivated and supported me in all the ways that he can. He did everything for me so that I could focus on studying. He made me coffee every morning, we jogged, he printed all my handouts a night before I need to use them. He took care of the laundry, went with me to file for the boards, took care of me at the hospital, and he didn’t give up on me when I just didn’t want to proceed with the exam anymore. He arranged everything, prepared all my meals for the four days and he would pick me up from the testing center. It was almost three months of his life all focused on achieving our goal. There were times when I was crying every night and having someone who listens and comforts you is such a gift. He is simply the best. I decided to proceed because there’s this person who will never give up on me no matter what. I couldn’t fail him.

7. Have a friend who’s experiencing the same thing as you and be each other’s support system.

I had two close friends that I talk to during the review season. Talking to them made me feel validated. I knew that I’m not alone in the struggles. Sometimes Shana (Yes iname drop kita) and I would meet up and call each other when everything’s just extra scary and confusing. This woman has so much grit (4.5 using Angela Duckworth’s grit scale) that it rubs on me. I am so grateful to have these wonderful friends in my life.

8. Practice Tests

Initially, I tried to adjust my learning style with what the review center has set, but to be honest, Practice tests got me through the review. I was able to reinforce what I was learning. I initially read the handouts and watched lectures simultaneously. Afterwards, I had a second read, then did practice tests. In some subjects I was not able to do a second read but it’s okay. I just kept on doing what I can. Medicine has a very broad knowledge base so you really have to prioritize. My midterms score was my basis for knowing my strengths and weaknesses. I focused on my weaknesses since you can’t get a score of less than 50% in any subject. Your high scores in other subjects won’t matter if you get just one failing score in any of the twelve subjects. So just keep on answering practice tests.

9. Flashcards

Since Topnotch had flashcards which was based on previous PLE, this became my lifesaver especially one week before boards. I registered on Quizlet Premium and kept on answering flashcards, every moment that I could squeeze it in. It was very effective for me, especially on the subjects that I couldn’t focus on anymore. Again, thank you Topnotch!

10. Let it go.

This is a very important component of my strategy during PLE season. Just like in any aspect of our lives, we have to learn to let go of the outcome. As long as you absolutely know that you did your best, the outcome doesn’t matter anymore. I remember that whenever I would hit roadblocks in medical school, when I can’t understand the material I’m reading and there’s an upcoming exam, I run by this mantra, “My love of learning is way greater than my fear of failing.” And if ever I fail, it’s okay, because at the end of the day, what matters is who I have become along the process of studying medicine. Medicine is my art, it’s my craft, and neither success nor failure, could change my excitement whenever I get to understand a concept and treat a patient. When the last subject was done, and I passed the Preventive Medicine answers, I knew that my future was set. I had a sigh of relief, that there was a 50% chance that I will become licensed to heal. I also knew that, it was my absolute best, with the every power that I could have summoned. I was grateful for the opportunity to learn and serve.

On slow living

I’ve been caught inside the wormhole of hustle culture. After having spent five days on home quarantine, I realized how much I’ve been taking myself for granted. My soul was withering. I couldn’t find the sense in what I was doing. I was perpetually tired. My room was a mess. I was just dragging myself everyday at the hospital and not thinking about how it was affecting my body. I got totally disconnected.

Is it necessary to live this kind of life? My body keeps on telling me that there was something wrong. And so I have to go back to writing to check myself.

No, this is not the life that I want for myself. I want to show up with energy and lightness. Getting COVID taught me that I was stepping on the gas too much. It’s time to reassess how I was approaching life.

Let us live slowly. Let us be more present in our interactions and in wherever we are. Working in the hospital had me doing things on a speed of lightning, which eventually backfired. What really matters, Kate? Is this the life you imagined? Is this the life you gave up your previous career for? Burning your own candle so that you can save others?

It all feels wrong. This is not it.

I want to work so I could live, not live, to work. That is just wrong in a lot of aspects.

Yesterday I had such an excruciating headache, it was probably still COVID. I couldn’t do my job properly and it was just so debilitating. I woke up today feeling more refreshed because I was able to sleep. I realized when I woke up what I really need, a better work life balance.

I hope the next steps I take would lead me to a life of balance.

Compassion fatigue

Working in a public hospital has its own set of pros and cons. The pro is that you get exposed to a huge bulk of patients. You have hands on cases and you get to practice and learn how to manage patients on your own.

I am grateful that I get to help patients and learn along the process. I am amazed with the medical profession overall but again, as someone who cares deeply about so many things, handling poverty-stricken patients still breaks my heart.

Patients who don’t have money to buy sutures for his wife’s cesarian section because the hospital doesn’t have enough supplies. Hypertensive disorders in pregnant women who chose not to seek prenatal care because they don’t have money. Women who keep on giving birth even if they obviously couldn’t afford another child anymore. Living in a country with backward laws for women. Needing the permission of the husband for tubal ligation consent. Grand multiparity patients who have chronic diseases but since they are not using any form of contraception, they keep on getting pregnant even to the risk of their own lives. Violence against women and children.

I am absorbing all these frustrating energy. I am having compassion fatigue. I feel like our country is just so far away from ideal. It hurts me that day in and day out it’s almost always like this.

Should I stop caring about things that I get upset about? Should I just be okay with how the system is. I know that in my own way, I am doing my part. I am helping by living a life of service. But until when will circumstances change?

The why

Yesterday, I had a meeting with event organizers composed of medical staff. I was tasked to host a lay forum and a fashion show, one was for menopause and the other was for pregnant women. I instantly said yes when I was offered to host the event. It’s one of the things that I do which I truly enjoy, and it’s also a change of pace from my usual routine of going on duty then going home.

As the meeting was about to conclude, the organizers asked if we have questions about the event. One thing dawned on me, I wasn’t aware why we have these events. For the menopause clinic, I believe that its a way of celebrating women’s month, but for the pregnant fashion show, I asked them, “Why did we have this event?”

People got silent for a few seconds, and they told me to think of a reason and just include it on the script. Oh my God, people have been preparing for this event for more than a month and yet they couldn’t answer me what the fashion show is for.

I figured out that the reason why people are so burnt out in our workplace is because they do not have a north star, a clear purpose. That is all that I was thinking about. These hardworking people do not know why they are organizing this event in the first place. I wasn’t surprised that they weren’t aware. I just got sad.

That meeting made me reflect on what I am doing. Amidst the burnout that is slowly creeping in my body, I still feel connected to my purpose. I know that I am training so that I will have the skills and competencies needed to practice as a medical doctor and to serve the community. I know that I want to help people have access to proper care and make them feel safe and supported despite them battling diseases. I know that if I study well, I could help provide answers and let them take charge of their health even if they don’t have money.

I see medical training as somehow like being an army. You have this rigorous training which is physically and mentally taxing, but at the end of it, you come out as a stronger and more equipped person. You know what to do and you are able to make quick decisions especially when the life of a person is literally on your hands. I see training that way.

If I am not clear with my why, I could have quit a long time ago.

I also see medical training as something like that of studying to be a priest. “It is a calling.” That’s what my friend who is studying to be a priest told me. Medical training is indeed a calling. It is a call for me to serve. How do I know this? There are tons of careers out there that I could have chosen and yet, I chose this torturous and bittersweet path. Why? Because I just couldn’t shake it off. I tried to get away from this itch, but I just couldn’t so I gave in. Now that I am seven months away from being a doctor, as hard as each day of training could be, my heart knows that it is in the right place.

So much thought came from that meeting. I remembered how a clear why changes the way you see and do things. I just hope that more people are clear with their why, maybe then this world will be filled with passionate and aligned people.

Recenter

On putting yourself first

I’m starting to put myself last. That is what I have noticed in this past week. I am getting caught up with the whole OB-Gyn drama. Of course, this has to stop. There is a better way of living. There is a way to chase your goals and still be healthy, calm, and at peace and that is by putting myself as a priority. So I promise that today, I will put myself first. I will fill my cup until it runneth over. I will learn as much as I can in the last few days of this rotation.

Refocusing

At yesterday’s prenatal clinic, I just had an epiphany. When I start focusing on my patients and how to best serve them, I suddenly feel at peace. Aaaaah, this is what I am training for. I want to serve them in the best way that I can. I had an advanced maternal age patient yesterday who had long-standing hypertension and was referred to our hospital since hers was a complicated case, and I talked to her about the plan and explained the importance of her adhering to the plan. I saw in her eyes that she was glad that she can understand her situation. When I get to encounter patients in the clinic, that’s when everything starts to make sense again. I like feeling that way.

Turbulence

There has been friction recently at work and I have been thinking about it for quite some time and maybe I shouldn’t be but as an empath and sensitive person, it baffles me when I sense that some people don’t just care enough as long as the consequences of their actions do not affect them. They care, and they don’t have the intention for bad things to happen to you, but they just don’t care enough. As a person who is the complete opposite of this, it is sad when I work with people who are not vibrating on that same level. Anyway, I have to accept that it is just the way it is. You cannot force concern and empathy to suddenly arise in other people. What I can do is just be who I am and improve on everything that I still have to work on. Inhale. Exhale. Not everyone will have the same heart as you but it’s okay.

Just grateful

My heart is filled with gratitude for my teammates who are just some of the most amazing people I’ve met. I’m grateful for my family who provides me the best chance to thrive. I am so blessed with my partner who is holding my hand as we face this rollercoaster of life. I am filled with love and joy even if sometimes I tend to forget. It’s a beautiful Sunday morning as I am writing this and I my heart is beating calmly. This is what matters.

A simple thought

Since I have been diagnosed with PCOS, all of the emotional breakdowns, fatigue, migraines, and feeling so defeated makes sense. At least now that I know what I am dealing with, I can do the necessary steps to control it.

Dear readers, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, it is a disease that is entangled with having high androgens and insulin resistance. The menstrual irregularities, insane migraine attacks, and weight gain now makes sense.

I was actually scared to get a diagnosis because I don’t want to believe that there is something wrong with my body. Now that the elephant in the room has been addressed, I know that I can manage this. I have to lose weight. I started calorie counting yesterday and today I ran for 20 minutes in the track. I can and I must because I want to live a longer life and of course to prevent diabetes, hypertension and infertility.

I’m actually terrified by the thought that I might not have kids in the future, but I’ve decided that I’ll take every challenge one day at a time. What matters for me is that, I do what I can so that tomorrow me would be proud. Again, I will not be perfect, and it will be messy. But I don’t want tomorrow me to say that, “I should have done better.”

I don’t want to fall into the trap of being too hard on myself again. Let us face whatever’s in front of us, one day at a time, one minute at a time on a moment to moment basis.

OB-Gyn thoughts

Becoming a medical doctor has been a dream of mine since I was in high school. I didn’t know what kind of specific doctor I wanted to be at that moment. This month, I began my OB-Gyn rotation. I remember this as my favorite rotation in clerkship. I just love the outcome of majority of cases. There are babies, and it reminds me of having a fresh start. Each baby that we deliver carries a lot of possibilities. Childbirth is a positive thing for me.

However, the work needed and the culture is not something that I want to subject myself to. To be honest I am surviving on, Omeprazole, pain meds and multivitamins.

I love the art of learning these information and all the skills that an OB-Gyn has but, the experience as a post-graduate intern has been draining for me. Maybe I changed? Maybe being a junior intern is just different with being a senior intern. The responsibilities are bigger and heavier.

I can’t actually believe that I am saying this, but I am on the process of discovering who I really am, and what I want my medical practice to be. I will just approach the succeeding weeks as part of my training to be a well-rounded physician and find ways to still be curious in the cases and gain skills. I will shift my focus to the patients. I will keep on studying and learning as much as I can for my future patients. They deserve a kind, smart, and competent doctor.

I will get through this. We will get through this.

Every single day is a new learning experience.

The rain caught up with me

No matter how beautiful the previous weeks have been, I still find myself sad, this day in particular. I keep thinking of the reason as to why I am feeling this way despite every blessing and beautiful thing that is happening. My rational mind says this is probably hormonal or medical, but my spirit junkie self says, this is part of being human. Moments of emptiness are parts of the human experience. We are all flawed and yet beautiful.

I have been struggling to wake up early because at night, I feel like I have to finish everything so that tomorrow’s hassle-free environment is guaranteed. Even though I very well know that there will always be things outside of my control, I still want to at least have a say as to how the day will unfold. Right now, I am teaching myself how to be at peace and present.

Being present is probably the one area of my life that I am most struggling with. Sometimes I can’t control the scenarios that play in my head. What if this or that happens, what should be my plan A,B, C, and so on. How do I navigate each scenario? More often than not, these scenarios don’t pan out. The need to be in control comes from not wanting to be caught off guard with possibilities that could arise. I just want to know that I can handle anything, no matter what it is. That’s one lesson that I have learned when Papa passed away, that I should be ready for anything that could happen. In this world filled with randomness, anything is possible.

I am proud of myself for sleeping earlier last night though. I was kind of skeptical that I would be able to sleep early because I had spanish latté in the afternoon, but alas, my mind and body were both exhausted. I also didn’t watch kdrama and chose sleep instead. I also found myself scrolling through Facebook yesterday because I wanted to thank the Facebook wall greetings last week, and so I drowned inside the vortex. I’ve met so many people who have an amazing online presence but a shattered real life. It makes me sad to think that we are living in a world wherein posts and likes matter hence I try to keep distance with social media.

Bad days happen and negative thoughts arise. Even though I have worked hard to be in my current mental state, I know that days filled with self doubt and frustration will arise. Again, these are all parts of the human experience. On bad days, I may not understand what the point of living is but I have to soak in every single emotion and feeling. The contrast makes us appreciate every moment anyway.

Sunday Coffee

I used to have weekly check-ins and grab coffee alone way before the whole coffee shop obsession became a thing. I started doing this eight years ago when I got my first job. I dreamt of doing that as soon as I could afford it. I would do errands and cap off the day with drinking coffee and writing.

You see, I am a worrier, I have to unload all the mental chatter on a piece of paper or a digital platform. It probably lessened now but to be honest, there are times when the darkness still gets to me.

I’ve been used to having Plan A to Z just to be sure that everything is going to be okay. Now that I am finally at a place in my life wherein things are finally working out, not perfect but 1000x better, I can’t help but think about when the next shoe is going to drop. What is the next curve ball and if I happen to cross its path, what will be my approach? But isn’t it about time to breathe and just stay in the moment? Isn’t it possible that the worst part is over afterall?

I want to believe that everything will work out because still existing is a proof that no matter what comes your way, you can still survive. I guess bad habits die hard? But let me just enjoy this coffee, and how much we’ve surpassed and how we thrived in the past couple of years. At least, for this moment, while I’m sipping this coffee, let it be me staying here, at the present, just being grateful with everything that there is. Let me just feel that, hey, you are doing great girl. Inhale. Exhale.

Doesn’t it feel good? Isn’t it nice to just accept good things, and know that you’ve earned every single bit of it? You got this.